What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Sometimes I’ll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
“Pasta la veista, baby”
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”