@thedadvocate01

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

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@biggspirit

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

@deankarrier

Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape

@LuvPug

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

@dumbbeezie

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

@McNevich

Sometimes I’ll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them

@dumbbeezie

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

@Rlpihl

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

@SortaBad

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”