You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My love language is hissing.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them