You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?