@ProZD

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

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@iamspacegirl

Grandpa *pulls coin from my ear*
Me: Pft. Some trick.
Grandpa *shoves coin into my ear, twists my nose, peanuts begin pouring from my face*

@MarfSalvador

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

@shesananteater

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

@RexChapman

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

@jennyjaffe

My boyfriend just said “HEYYYY” and I yelled “MUST BE THE MONAYYYY” because I did not realize that he had just started a Zoom conference call.

@TheHyyyype

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

@MichaelTrying

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

@owillis

2007: OBAMA’S COMIN’ FER YER GUNS
2008: comin’
2009: almost
2010: any day
2011: seriously
2012: ok now
2013: i think..
2014: nope
2015: well

@CauseWereGuys

Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/