you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
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Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me