Grandpa *pulls coin from my ear*
Me: Pft. Some trick.
Grandpa *shoves coin into my ear, twists my nose, peanuts begin pouring from my face*
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
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[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My boyfriend just said “HEYYYY” and I yelled “MUST BE THE MONAYYYY” because I did not realize that he had just started a Zoom conference call.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
2007: OBAMA’S COMIN’ FER YER GUNS
2010: any day
2012: ok now
2013: i think..
Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/