“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
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First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I put the p in pants.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple