Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

the dark web is just a goth google.

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first