A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”