You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.