@HavocMantis

You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.

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@Jaywoo74

Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
Me: No.
*snatches phone
Me: MINE

@jellybnbonanza

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

@dshack8

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

@SamGrittner

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

@Probgoblin

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

@Smooheed

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

@Kids_kubed

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

@bakedbrotatoes

-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.

@LostFelicia

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

@TheThomason

Obama: “Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?” Drops mic, walks away.