@HavocMantis

You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.

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@IRLPepperMD

“You think I’m immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-”

*holds up imaginary walky-talky*

“Chhh-over.”

@Puncroaker

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

@CulturedRuffian

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

@DrakeGatsby

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

@MandiAtRandom

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

@ManInTheHoody

if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it

@StellaRtwot

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “I’d rather be tweeting.” It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.

@DVSblast

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”