@HavocMantis

You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.

You Might Also Like

@phaggots

[ouija board]

Spirits im in need of your help

O N L Y I F Y O U H E L P U S

Sure

W T F I S Y O U R W I F I P A S S W O R D

@knot_eye

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

@tigersgoroooar

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

@KevinFarzad

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

@Holy_Mowgli

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

@boynadomama

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

@theshamingofjay

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like shit until you have something someone else needs

@squirrel74wkgn

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot