Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.
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Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Obama: “Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?” Drops mic, walks away.