You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
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People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.