You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
You Might Also Like
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Cats are still liquid.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached