@JVarsityCaptain: You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you're supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that's running just punkd you.
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@theroyaltramp: You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.
@notalogin: How would you describe your past work? [Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar] -Change management.
@StranDadAbroad: What happens when you get in a fight with your girl in the spice section? Bae leaves.
@TonyWIVK: BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner. The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.