You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
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While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.