@thecrabbyhook

You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.

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@Marlebean

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

@flamingo_poet

I’ve programmed Alexa to turn off the lights and attack me at random intervals so I can keep my karate skills sharp.

@FunnyTunes

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

@Darlainky

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

@thedadvocate01

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

@TweetPotato314

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

@Parkerlawyer

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

@omgthatspunny

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

@AbbyHasIssues

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.