If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
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Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic