You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.

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Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.


My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn’t planning to spend that much..


Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.


Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.


[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.


I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.


When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.


*smashes bag of Oreos

*pours on top of salad


I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”