You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.

You Might Also Like


It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.


I’ve programmed Alexa to turn off the lights and attack me at random intervals so I can keep my karate skills sharp.


I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.


I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!


Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.


her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part


Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.


I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .


Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.