Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.
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My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn’t planning to spend that much..
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
*smashes bag of Oreos
*pours on top of salad
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”