You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
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*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Oh hi lol
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned