You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
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BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.