you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
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I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.