You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
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Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Not all heroes wear capes…
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked