You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
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*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
o shit
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.