Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
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me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
🤣🤣🤣
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters