Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
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Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store