“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
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Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
at the mcdonald鈥檚 self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Most fashion shows these days…
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
What if the hobbits couldn鈥檛 fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Professor X: what鈥檚 your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that鈥檚 not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 馃槧
Today: I can’t get groceries. 馃槕
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “碌”
called? Student : Torrent
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i鈥檓 sweaty and i am getting scared
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I think, 25 years later, it鈥檚 pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.