You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
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excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
They’re the worst 😩
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.