Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

getting old is fun

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

Phone

Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first

Person: How…

Me: I don’t want to talk about it