You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
You Might Also Like
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
fixed it
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
oh my gosh!!
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.