You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
How to wake up a Beagle
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder