You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

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Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat


HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.


“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you


I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters


Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.


In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.


Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?


Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”