You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
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She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..