My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
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“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
“HELP WITH CAT”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
#Caturday
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing