You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
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Still cracks me up
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.