You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

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Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.


I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.


Even if the vaccine doesn’t have a microchip I still want one. A microchip would just be a bonus.


Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this


Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.


They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.


[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.


My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.