You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

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ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.


[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever


Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”


What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?


C’mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.


[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?


If anyone can remember the jokes from Popsicle sticks, I’ll be exposed for the fraud I am


Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.


[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it


So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.