You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers