@kathybotteas

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

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@ibid78

*uses handkerchief*
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.

@Darlainky

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

@TheCamJude

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

@jrza84

I guess knocking on random dressing room doors in a department store and asking “hey, can I see how you look?” is frowned upon.

@NewDadNotes

My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.

@sonictyrant

[Inn fight]

Drunk guy: you call those sunflowers?!? ‘Tis a pitiful rendering

Van Gogh: *turns to innkeeper* hold my ear

@Skoogeth

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

@Tmoney68

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

@whalesmells

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.