@kathybotteas

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

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@XplodingUnicorn

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

@mela_shea

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

@Halbeerz

Even if the vaccine doesn’t have a microchip I still want one. A microchip would just be a bonus.

@SamuraiCorndog

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

@Froschauer_AF

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

@Reverend_Scott

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

@DevilryFun

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.