@kathybotteas

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

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@erinmallorylong

ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.

@iwearaonesie

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

@copymama

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

@HitsBelowBelt

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

@Sarcasmo718

C’mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.

@TheHyyyype

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

@Mr_Kapowski

If anyone can remember the jokes from Popsicle sticks, I’ll be exposed for the fraud I am

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

@stuckinaportal

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

@urmumsausername

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.