You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
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My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?