During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
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If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.