You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
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To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.