How to make infinite energy.
You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.
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3 men asked me out while I was shoveling out my car.
Lesson learned: showering and makeup are optional as long you’re grunting.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Your girlfriend deserves nothing but the best, so give her my number because you ain’t shit
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it