I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
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Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
good morning
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Maths meets science
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.