@ericacanrant

You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.

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@zachobeepo

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

@blade_funner

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

@ElleOhHell

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

@HansGrubertron

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

@CornOnTheGoblin

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

@Sickayduh

Bobby Flay’s sister is pretty big in the dessert game too. Sue Flay.

@sliver_of

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

@usermcuserface

Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.