You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.

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3 men asked me out while I was shoveling out my car.

Lesson learned: showering and makeup are optional as long you’re grunting.


Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”


Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news


Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.


[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim


And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.


I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.


Your girlfriend deserves nothing but the best, so give her my number because you ain’t shit


How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it