Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
God: nobody knows
You know it’s not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you’ve ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.
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I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry