@juliussharpe

You know it’s not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you’ve ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.

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@thedad

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

@DevilryFun

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

@daemonic3

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

@D2BMcG

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

@kelkulus

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

@liamstack

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

@JaySuch

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

@FeverFlave

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry