*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
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There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
My biological clock is wheezing.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣