You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
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Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
😂 amazing answer
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.