You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
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The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.