@Fickle_Filly

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

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@kjmeow

“FOR SALE: blender, like new. Does NOT make things taste like crayons
ALSO FOR SALE: wax fruit, slightly scratched.”

@HeSlimedMeRay

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

@gentilecoont

Sorry I conned your kid out of their Chuck E Cheese tickets. Maybe try not raising a sucker. Now excuse me, I have a sweet toy to play with.

@KeatonPatti

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

@MantisBlue

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

@weeziepeezy

No YOU hug her first ….
NO YOU hug her first ….
F-that ! YOU hug her FIRST ! ….

-Lineup congratulating the Next Ebola free nurse

@Nikkeya08

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

@Darlainky

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

@AngelaEhh

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.