@Fickle_Filly

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

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@nPhelendriqal

“I’ll have what she’s having.”
” Sir, this is a gynecolo-”
“Shhhh.. *puts finger over Dr’s lips* I said I’ll have what she’s having.”

@Betfairpoker

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

@farouq_yahaya

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

@briancgrubb

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

@ThisOneSayz

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

@ServiceTech_

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

@Coolisiana

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

@chuuew

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

@TVsCarlKinsella

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

@Darlainky

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.