@kjmeow
“FOR SALE: blender, like new. Does NOT make things taste like crayons
ALSO FOR SALE: wax fruit, slightly scratched.”
@Fickle_Filly
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
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@kjmeow
@HeSlimedMeRay
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
@gentilecoont
Sorry I conned your kid out of their Chuck E Cheese tickets. Maybe try not raising a sucker. Now excuse me, I have a sweet toy to play with.
@KeatonPatti
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
@MantisBlue
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
@weeziepeezy
No YOU hug her first ….
NO YOU hug her first ….
F-that ! YOU hug her FIRST ! ….-Lineup congratulating the Next Ebola free nurse
@Nikkeya08
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
@liv_thatsme
Me: I hate one-uppers.
One-upper: Not as much as I do.
@Darlainky
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
@AngelaEhh
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.