You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

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“FOR SALE: blender, like new. Does NOT make things taste like crayons
ALSO FOR SALE: wax fruit, slightly scratched.”


It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.


Sorry I conned your kid out of their Chuck E Cheese tickets. Maybe try not raising a sucker. Now excuse me, I have a sweet toy to play with.


If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.


Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.


No YOU hug her first ….
NO YOU hug her first ….
F-that ! YOU hug her FIRST ! ….

-Lineup congratulating the Next Ebola free nurse


Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger


I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite


Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.


Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.