@nPhelendriqal
“I’ll have what she’s having.”
” Sir, this is a gynecolo-”
“Shhhh.. *puts finger over Dr’s lips* I said I’ll have what she’s having.”
@Fickle_Filly
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
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@nPhelendriqal
@Betfairpoker
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
@farouq_yahaya
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
@briancgrubb
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
@ThisOneSayz
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
@ServiceTech_
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
@Coolisiana
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
@chuuew
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
@TVsCarlKinsella
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
@Darlainky
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.