You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.