@bornmiserable

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

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@FrogAvalanche

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

@laxkra

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

@SaraMansford

Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.

@NYC_Blonde

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

@Darlainky

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

@clichedout

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

@jimmytorosian

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

@bornmiserable

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

@Aikiwomannc

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

@Mostly_Cheese

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).