You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
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*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
This is me
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
This is my brand.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day