horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.
You Might Also Like
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!
Therapist: Please sit down.
Me:*falling over* Ok