A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.
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Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
May the Force be Mass times Acceleration.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep
GOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok