*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Me too
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
me irl
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP