@BackrowSeats
Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.
@MunkMania
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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@BackrowSeats
@theshamingofjay
Life Goals
Me at 14 – get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
Me at 34 – get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
@chuuew
MUGGER: Empty your pockets
ME: Do I have to?
MUGGER: NOW
ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]
MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]
@AsgardianRose
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
@MichaelSmartGuy
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
@DamienFahey
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
@jp_mcdade
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Hereโs what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
@GavinProbably
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
@SaltyCorpse
My neighbor from New England was complaining about the way people talk here.
At least that’s what I think he said. I didn’t have a translator.
@SimoneGiertz
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend