Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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Me at 14 – get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
Me at 34 – get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
MUGGER: Empty your pockets
ME: Do I have to?
ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]
MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My neighbor from New England was complaining about the way people talk here.
At least that’s what I think he said. I didn’t have a translator.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend