You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
work smarter, not harder
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.