You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

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Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.


Life Goals

Me at 14 – get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex

Me at 34 – get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex


MUGGER: Empty your pockets

ME: Do I have to?


ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]

MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]


Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.


“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6


Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Hereโ€™s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.


My neighbor from New England was complaining about the way people talk here.

At least that’s what I think he said. I didn’t have a translator.


but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend