You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
how to have fun when you’re poor
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.