You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
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Where is your GOD now????
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost