Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
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The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I’m unsure of
This meal prepping shit easy
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’