@YourYakiri

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

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@babyblue0924

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

@Sanbel11

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

@ThePocketJustin

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

@andlikelaura

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

@TheCatWhisprer

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

@joeljeffrey

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

@jimSarbh

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’