You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
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words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
No point crayon over spilled milk.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
They’re the worst 😩
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel