If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
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You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
How high do the levels go?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]