@TheMichaelRock

You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.

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@littlestp123

boys love girls who go barefoot in the summer and comment on the texture of grass and say “ouch rocks” when walking on rocks

@barryjohnharper

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

@catstronomical

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

@ItsAndyRyan

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

@markydoodoo

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

@mela_shea

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

@juliussharpe

A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include “Swam in water” and “Ate”.

@KThonvold

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

@JeffJSays

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.