[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
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This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it