You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
any last words?
*me flirting
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.