@GreenishDuck

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

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@hurlarious

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

@ewfeez

The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole

@nayele18maybe

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

@TheAlexNevil

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

@Mom_Overboard

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

@MarfSalvador

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

@Reverend_Scott

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

@iGreenGod

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

@BoomBoomBetty

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

@better_off_dad2

My tweets are not to be taken:

• Literally
• Seriously
• Personally
• If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant