You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
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I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.