You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
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What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
🛁
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Why I divorced her.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.