@FlyJ_

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

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@KylePlantEmoji

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

@joerogan

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

@jellybnbonanza

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

@Chalu_Chokra

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

@Marlebean

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

@DaddyJew

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

@mstluvstrinkets

I remember, before kids, saying funny things like, “my kids won’t be watching TV and they most certainly won’t be eating chicken nuggets!”