[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
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Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
The answer I didn’t know I was looking for
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I remember, before kids, saying funny things like, “my kids won’t be watching TV and they most certainly won’t be eating chicken nuggets!”
I only eat vegetarians.