Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

Ummm