You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
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If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I cannot call her anything else now
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say