You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

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Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..



woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she’s forgotten her glasses.

‘dog has shit entire length of kitchen.’


Legal Twitter: I’m dressed in a black suit outside a restaurant waiting for a friend and a curmudgeonly gentleman pulls his sports car into the driveway. While walking past, he dismissively looks at me and barks “Key’s in it.”

The Porsche is now mine, right?


Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”


My fellow Canadians,

Complain about the heat just *once* and it will get taken away from us.

Don’t be the reason we can’t have nice things


Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!


Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.


{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.


If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”